Epilogue

     As a teenager, I would often wake in the middle of the night with a melody in my mind. One in particular developed into a song, I called “The Dream.” I envisioned a tranquil dream being interrupted by a nightmare, only to be restored to tranquility in the concluding stanzas. Such is my life.

     My dream began in the tranquility of innocence with my plans for the future as I plotted and prayed in my parents’ house. Out in the world, I encountered the enemy of this world who desired to kill God’s plans for me, and I fought his evil intent. Indeed, Satan desired that I would lose my spark for life permanently, reducing me to an ineffective servant of God for the rest of my life. Too many of us have fallen in this way, never to recover and be all that God has in mind for us. I believe God delights in taking the mess of our lives, our pathetic offerings, and working them together into something marvelous for His kingdom (Rom. 8:28).

     At first I couldn’t see how God could use my life. This was unimportant. God saw it. Once I finally surrendered my life–all of it–the good, bad, and the ugly, God began a tremendous work in me. If Satan thought I was a “problem” before, just look at me now! Faith tested by the storms of life is twice as strong because it is proven. In the end, I’ve returned to the woman of my youth in some ways. All that was stolen from me has been restored. I hear the echoes of my youth in my present time of renewed self-discovery. I know I am better for what I have lost and now have gained again. God is so very good. I know that now through the steps of my experience.

     The trials in our lives can either derail us or motivate us to move.  One thing about falling down–it almost always places you in a position to be looking up. Instead of asking God, “Why?” try asking Him, “What now?” or “How are You going to use this for my benefit and Your glory?” God doesn’t seem to answer the “Why?” question too often. (I fully expect those answers to come once I get to heaven, but somehow I don’t think it will even matter once I get there.). God has shown me the “How?” and “What?” on many occasions. I am amazed at how often my daily struggles will later come to bear when I get the opportunity to encourage someone else. Life is what we allow God to make of it.

     God is the giver of dreams. In the book Psalms He tells us to delight in Him and He will give us the desires of our hearts. If we trust in Him and commit our paths to Him, He will do a work in our lives (Ps. 37:4-5). My prayer is that a seed of hope has been planted in your heart through the reading of my story. Yes, God can do the same for you when you allow Him to shine His light in the dark places of your life. In obedience to Him through my overflowing love for God, I am able to make myself vulnerable to you, the unknown reader. I trust God will use my story for His glory in your life.

                         Copyrighted, Into the Light, pages 169-171

How is it possible to miss 

     someone so much?

Someone I never got to meet?

When is it OK not to cry 

    anymore?

I cry for you, for what I lost

I didn’t know God loved me

   that much  until you were gone

It’s like I won the lottery, but

   threw away  my winning ticket

You were the prize for my

   suffering

You were the reason God allowed

   me to be  taken against my will

I can’t bring you back, but I can

   tell your story

Through you, God has shown me

    how good  can come from the 

    worst beginnings

That He truly is bigger than all

    my pain

God didn’t have to bless that

    union, but He did

Abortion was supposed to help me

   get over the rape

But it didn’t help me get over you

I can’t help but feel I let the best

   gift God had to give slip right

   through my fingers

I hope my tears don’t make you

   sad

I hope you will be proud your life

 has had meaning— through mine

You have given me courage to

    help other Mommies choose

    better

Many will live because you died

   and broke this mother’s heart

How could I ever keep you a

   secret?

How could I hide you forever in

   my heart?

Live on, sweet child, live on—

May my heart forever be tender

   from your handprints

I will go on and dry these tears

   once again

I know you are safe in the arms of

   heaven

And God will hold you till I meet

   you in the end

    Copyrighted, Into the Light, pages 119-120

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Prologue

Chapter 1  The Dream

Chapter 2  Compounding the Hurt

Chapter 3  Don’t Call Me "Whitehead”

Chapter 4  Here We Go Again

Chapter 5  The Window into Healing

Chapter 6  I Surrender!

Chapter 7  Victory over Birth

Chapter 8  Here We Go Again, Again

Chapter 9  Sex Hurt My Heart

Chapter 10  Turning Memories into Events

Chapter 11  Song of Solomon

Epilogue

Appendices

     A – Meeting Jesus

     B – If I Could Do a Few Things Over

     C – Nicole’s Bookshelf

     D – Date Rape Drugs

     E – Ministry Contact Information

     F – Affidavit to the Texas Justice Foundation

     G – Music!

     H – Discussion Questions

     The following exerpt is taken from an appendix to my book.  In the military, after any significant mission or project, they will conduct an "after action review" to capture the lessons learned.  These are my lessons.  Is is my hope that others can also learn from my mistakes and avoid my pitfalls as well.  Nicole 

     If only I could do a few things over. Since I cannot, let me instead offer my advice on how someone else reading this might learn from my mistakes.

Adoption, Not Abortion

(even in the case of rape)

     I have often fantasized that my story ended along these lines. My pastor would have encouraged meeting the couple at my parents’ church desiring adoption. I would have met with them and asked them to pray about my baby, and God would have opened their hearts wide to receive him, despite the risks. I have since met adoptive parents with hearts for special children. I would have an open adoption. For me this would have meant a Christmas card every year with pictures and stories of my son’s life. (His due date was the beginning of December and the reason many Decembers were emotionally difficult for me until God began to heal me.) When my son was not quite two years old, I would have called the parents with the news–I do not have the gene for NF2. I would see, firsthand, that my son looked like me and not the man who raped me. I could have rejoiced in knowing the purpose of my pain had been fulfilled in this life as well.

     My abortion took place four weeks after the rape. It was much too soon for me to come to grips with the rape, let alone the life I carried. I wish I had given myself more time to consider this great decision. I also wish I had taken the time to really meditate on the issue of abortion before I found myself in a crisis pregnancy. Before the rape, I held a common “fence” position–“abortion is generally wrong, but it should be allowed in cases of rape, incest, and to save the life of the mother.” This position came from not taking the time to really think about the issues. The “right” circumstances don’t make abortion any less barbaric, cruel, or wrong. I believe our “contraceptive” mentality also fools us into believing that we control the creation of new life. God is a real part of “procreation,” which literally means “create with God,” and that has never changed. We have simply ceased to cooperate with God and the plans that have existed from before the beginning (see Ephesians, chapter 1 for more on this. You were planned before the foundation of the world).

     If you’re still not convinced, take a look at some of the post-abortion research in Dr. Reardon’s wonderful book, Victims and Victors. In it, he relates the results of a survey of post-abortive women who had been raped. Ninety-three percent would NOT recommend abortion to other women who had been raped. One respondent who didn’t agree had no opinion and was herself very recently post-abortive. Other studies have shown the average woman takes eight to ten years to come out of denial concerning her abortion. My guess is this woman has since come to agree with the rest of us–abortion is not the answer to a pregnancy conceived in rape. Conversely, the women who had been raped and who chose adoption or self-parenting did not have regrets–they all believed they did the right thing in keeping their baby. They also found the pregnancy helped in their healing and they were able to rejoice in the “reason” for their pain.

Set Realistic Boundaries

     Having predetermined boundaries will save you from poor decisions in the heat of the moment or when you are being pressured. My boundaries served me well in high school. I determined not to allow more than closed-mouth kissing even with long-term boyfriends. I even joked about biting anything that came into my mouth–it effectively discouraged any attempts at French kissing! 

     The lines began to blur in my college years. This also happened to coincide with my reading romance novels and watching more movies with sexual content. None of this was “X rated,” but it nonetheless bombarded my mind with situations that were inconsistent with my personal goals. As I teach in my abstinence/marital fidelity classes, what you think about you will eventually act out. All sin begins in our minds – this is also where it can be prevented. My advice for those wishing to stay pure is to keep your thought life pure as well. 

     Another caution–stay away from pornography. I stumbled upon pornography in my early teen years, and I remember wrongly thinking, “This is what men want.” I believed men only desired the outside of the package and everything else mattered little. Perhaps this is true for some men, but it wasn’t true for the man I hoped to one day marry. I remember being very sad about this conclusion. My subsequent relationships reflected this warped belief. I allowed my boundaries to be pushed because I thought I had to in order to be “loved.” Again, what I fed my mind set me up for an eventual fall.

     Spiritual bonding takes place every time a sexual encounter occurs. I don’t believe it even has to be “all the way” for this to take place. When you “bond” with someone it is like you are a piece of packing tape sticking to that person. Every time you are “ripped off” and “re-stuck” to someone else, you lose some of your ability to form a lasting, bonded relationship. You lose your sticking power. As difficult as it may be to wait for the right person, you won’t regret it. Although with God’s help you can overcome the baggage you bring into your permanent marital relationship, it is much easier to enter this covenant unloaded by your past. Think seriously about your current boundaries, and if they need adjusting, do it.

Be Smart about Dating

     The Focus on the Family Complete Book of Baby & Child Care has some excellent advice for avoiding date rape. When I read this list, I found my own circumstances set off many of the warning bells they warn about. Here are a few things to consider:

• Set realistic boundaries ahead of time and stick to them. If your boyfriend pushes your boundaries, let him go. The right man will respect you–and your boundaries. Anyone else isn’t worth your time–or putting yourself at risk.
• Don’t drink anything you did not pour yourself, even from a trusted “friend.”
• Date in groups.
• Date in public places. You can have meaningful conversations anywhere; it does not have to be “private.” 
• Be prepared to pay your own way–you’d be surprised how many men believe you “owe them” sexual favors for a nice meal or lavish gifts.
• Avoid dating men who are more than a couple years older than you, especially if you are still very young (early twenties or younger). There is something attractive about an older man. But it also creates an unhealthy situation where you may unconsciously believe you must submit to his “authority” over you in terms of life experience.
• Avoid dating men who are superior to you in rank, job, or circumstance. This creates an atmosphere where you may yield where you otherwise would not.
• Trust your gut about suspicious behavior. God has given you instincts that alert you to trouble. It is much better to be safe than sorry. Certainly pray about it.  God will guide your heart if you will listen to Him. 
• Trust the judgment of older adults you respect, like your parents. My dad was always right about my high school boyfriends, and he would have been right about my “nemesis” had I given him the opportunity to hear my concerns. If this isn’t someone you feel comfortable taking home to meet your parents, then don’t take him anywhere with you.
• You are worth waiting for. The right person will wait for you. Let the others who do not value you as they should, go home–without you!    

Know God Personally

        It is not enough to know about God. It is not enough to know about the Bible. You must know both intimately and thoroughly to avoid the pitfalls in this life. Ignorance of the wealth of truth found in the Bible will not protect you. As I learned, having a seminary degree does not necessarily mean someone “knows” God. We are created with brains, and with some education, the ability to read the Bible for ourselves. God expects no less of us. As you learn for yourself, the gems you feed your spirit will guide you into truth. You will have your own personal “truth detector” as the Holy Spirit will alert you when you are being deceived, even by well-meaning Christians. 

        All relationships thrive with time and die without it. You cannot know God without spending time with Him. I believe daily time reading the Bible and talking with God in prayer, in addition to fellowship with other believers, are critical components to keeping this relationship strong. God is a perfect gentleman. He will not force Himself on You. But He is ever present when you are ready to spend time with Him.

Copyrighted, Into the Light, pages 181-186